A Blog About Psychosis

I've been on the 'outside' for four weeks now. No, not prison, I was in a psychiatric hospital for three months. I was there because I had a psychotic relapse. Initially I was staying at a crisis house, which is a place you're taken when you can't be at home but you aren't quite ill enough for hospital. I was sent there by my CPN (community psychiatric nurse) who had noticed things were getting difficult for me. I was struggling with voices, they were loud and giving me commands to harm myself. I did everything I could to resist, tried and tried all the techniques I had learned but still the voices persisted. It's a difficult thing to cope with- it feels very much like they're in control, and it's like you have to do what they say. Eventually I couldn't take it anymore. I barricaded myself into a room and started to do what the voice was shouting at me to do. Luckily a member of staff at the house saw me going into the room and followed me. She

So, I've been on lithium for a week now. I haven't noticed any changes in my mood, but that could be because the dose isn't at the recommended therapeutic level yet. Side effects I've noticed are that I'm struggling to wake up in the morning, and I'm having night sweats. (nice) Tonight I have to stay up until 10pm (late for me!) and take my dose then, because tomorrow morning I have another blood test. The test has to be exactly 12 hours since the dose, so they can measure the amount of lithium in my blood. I also have to carry a lithium alert card round with me. I don't know,  it just makes me uneasy. What exactly are all these drugs doing to my body? Making it better, you may say. But I'm not so sure. Every morning I just feel sad and frustrated that I need to take six pills a day just to function normally. But is this my self stigma rearing its head again? Probably. Perhaps if I had a physical illness I'd just take the pills no question, be

When I first started this blog I must have deleted it about ten times before I hit 'publish'. I was afraid of people knowing my secret. I was afraid I'd be judged, ridiculed, or worse, that I would scare people. Where do these fears come from? Stigma. In general, society has unfavourable opinions around mental health issues. Think about the mainstream media. Words like 'psycho', 'crazy', and 'schizo' are banded around, and are usually used to describe someone who has seriously harmed, or even killed, other people. These sensationalist headlines all add to the stigma people face. When deciding whether or not to disclose a mental health issue, fear is always in the back of your mind. Before starting this blog, hardly any of my friends and family knew I heard voices. They hadn't realised the extent of my psychosis. Some didn't know I suffered with it at all. One of the things that made me decide to write about my experiences was the stigma

One of the key symptoms of psychosis is paranoia. When I was first ill, I believed all kinds of outlandish things. I thought the government were monitoring me, I thought random strangers were plotting to kill me, I thought everyone (including my friends) hated me. Paranoia is usually intensified by voices. I'd have a paranoid thought and the voices would chime in, agreeing and making it worse.  Example of thought- 'The government are monitoring me.'  Voice- 'Yes they are. There are cameras in your bathroom. Your car is bugged. The neighbours work for them. You'd better stay in here, don't go anywhere.'  It must seem unbelievable to you, reading that. And of course you would laugh and think 'Why would you believe such a ridiculous thing? Where is your evidence? Your logic?'   But another symptom of psychosis is losing touch with reality. There is no logic. You quite literally 'lose your mind.'  Since I have been on ant

Modern psychiatry can do wonderful things. No longer are patients chained to the wall for people to come and laugh at, or sent to asylums for their entire lives. Just a pill a day can help reduce symptoms. But it isn't the be all and end all, especially when it comes to psychosis. Anti psychotics in particular have some nasty side effects. The worst one has to be weight gain. Anti psychotics affect both appetite and metabolism. At the moment I'm at a weight increase of three stone. Another side effect is double vision. I'm writing this with one eye closed, because the screen is so blurry. Medication is a balancing act, a careful tightrope walk between doctor and patient, increasing and decreasing, swapping and changing until just the right combination of drug is found. And again, there is no one size fits all. It's different for everyone. Next week I'm due to start lithium, a mood stabiliser. I'm worried about it, because I don't know how it's

So what's it like to live with voices? Everyone will have a different experience, but for me, challenging. To have a derogatory voice inside your head makes everyday interactions and life in general quite difficult. Sometimes it will shout at me, making me jump. Other times it will whisper in my ear when I'm having a conversation with someone, there in the background like an annoying buzzing fly. Some people experience kind or encouraging voices, but unfortunately mine only seems to have bad things to say. There are many ideas around treatment for living with voices.  In my experience psychiatrists generally want to be rid of the voice, and a variety of medications are given to hopefully reduce the voice completely. Hearing voices groups are more focussed on talking about the experiences, and having mutual support to learn to cope with the voices. People attending may or may not take medication. Psychologists work with the person hearing voices to understand the voice

I am a writer. I write that and then pause. Delete the last line. Pause again. I was a writer. Until psychosis. I'm on a combination of drugs, anti depressants and anti psychotics, that help me with my mood, my voices, my delusions. (For those interested in specifics, Venlafaxine 375mg, Aripiprazole 30mg, and due to start lithium next week) My psychiatrist is always talking about 'getting you back to writing,' but the problem is the pills not only take the bad stuff away, they take the good stuff away too. I no longer feel creative. I no longer have any ideas for the short stories I used to write. I lost my newspaper column when I became ill. I had to leave my English degree for the same reason. Psychosis has taken part of my life away. I guess in some ways this blog is my attempt to get it back. I am a writer. After psychosis.

Psychotic. What does that word bring to mind? Most people would probably say killers, psychopaths, or 'psychos'. In reality, psychotic simply means 'A person who is suffering from psychosis.' In 2016, I was diagnosed as one of those people. I had slowly been losing touch with reality. Paranoia is a key symptom of psychosis. I refused to have a bath as I believed cameras were in my bathroom. I drove different ways home every day as I thought I was being followed by the government. I became convinced that my house was being watched, and that everyone walking by had a suspicious motive. I spent hours pacing up and down in my living room. That's the first time I heard voices. They were quiet at first, barely a whisper, but soon they became louder, as if someone was actually in the room with me. There were three voices, two female and one male. One of the female voices commented on my actions. I would have a thought, such as 'I need a drink,' and the voic