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On Paranoia

One of the key symptoms of psychosis is paranoia.

When I was first ill, I believed all kinds of outlandish things. I thought the government were monitoring me, I thought random strangers were plotting to kill me, I thought everyone (including my friends) hated me.

Paranoia is usually intensified by voices. I'd have a paranoid thought and the voices would chime in, agreeing and making it worse. 
Example of thought- 'The government are monitoring me.' 
Voice- 'Yes they are. There are cameras in your bathroom. Your car is bugged. The neighbours work for them. You'd better stay in here, don't go anywhere.' 

It must seem unbelievable to you, reading that. And of course you would laugh and think 'Why would you believe such a ridiculous thing? Where is your evidence? Your logic?'  

But another symptom of psychosis is losing touch with reality. There is no logic. You quite literally 'lose your mind.' 

Since I have been on anti psychotics my paranoia has lessened considerably. In that aspect the medication has been a lifesaver. I no longer have such odd ideas. (yes, I can recognise now that they were odd) However, I do still suffer with 'residual paranoia.' For example, I still have ideas about being watched. If I move my car from in front of my house, it causes great anxiety, because I think 'they' (don't ask me who 'they' are) will know I've gone out and will break into my house to kill my cats. (I'm aware I do sound rather strange here, but bear with me) I know the likelihood of that being true is low. I also know it's just paranoia. When I was acutely psychotic I didn't have a clue. I believed it wholeheartedly. 

On Sunday I went to the book launch of a performance poet I know. (Mulletproof poet, look him up, he is fantastic) I was with a friend, and we went for a coffee together beforehand. Initially I was relaxed and enjoying myself. However, the voice wasn't having that. As soon as we went into the shop and sat down, it started telling me that people were going to attack me. Now I knew it was unlikely to be true, but still, it dampened my spirits a little. Voices are hard to cope with in crowded places. You can hear the noise of everyone talking, and the noise of the voice too, and they become one long hum, and it's difficult to work out what is what. Anyway, as soon as the launch was over I phoned a taxi to take me home. My friend kindly waited with me as she knew I was anxious. I got home safely and all was well. Or was it? 

This is just one example of how psychosis still affects my life, eighteen months after my initial diagnosis. Before psychosis I would have been happy at the launch, not particularly bothered about all the people, and I would have got the bus home, not a taxi. Small things, but to me, they are a reminder. A reminder that psychosis is part of me now. 



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