Skip to main content

I'm on my Way

I've just been writing an introduction about myself and my experiences for a magazine. It made me incredibly sad, because I've had to think about everything I've lost due to my psychosis.

I'm from a poor background, I left home at 14, went to work at 16, and education wasn't really an option for me, as I needed money to survive. As I got older though I was fed up with the minimum wage slog, I wanted something different. I wanted to improve my chances. More than anything, I wanted to learn. I've always been an avid reader, (I can spend hours in waterstones with a pile of books and a cup of coffee), and I adore literature. So I decided to go back to school! I enrolled at college on an access course, and by 2015 I was a mature student at university. Unfortunately that's where it ended. It was 2015 that I first got ill. It crept up on me, took my concentration, my love of books, my ability to write. It took my enthusiasm, my motivation, my vision of a future. I vividly remember the week I had to leave. I sat on a wall outside this stunning building and cried and cried, because I knew. I knew it just wasn't possible anymore. I walked into the admissions office in a daze, I signed several slips of paper, phoned student finance, and that was it. As quickly as that, I was out.

I think the worst thing had to be telling my family. They weren't aware of the extent of my mental health, they didn't know how extreme the paranoia was or that I heard voices, and they had been so proud when I got to uni. I was the first one to 'make it'. That I suddenly left was confusing for them, and because I couldn't explain properly I felt like even more of a failure.

Obviously now I know I made the right decision. I couldn't carry on under the pressures of full time study. It took all my strength just to get up in the morning. But every now and then I can't help thinking what if...? Where would I be now if this hadn't happened? My life as I know it now wouldn't exist. The eight pills a day, the side effects, the simplicity that I need in order to function. I'd be a completely different person. That's a weird thing to imagine.

I'll finish by saying that although I sometimes miss the old me, my old life, I am truly thankful for what I have now. There are plenty worse off than I am. And in my heart I know that I'm getting there. Where 'there' is, I'm not quite sure, but I'm on my way.


Comments

Popular posts from this blog

The Magic Pill

So, as I said, I've been in hospital for a few weeks. I still can't seem to write about it. I've pushed it to the back of my mind somewhere. Yesterday I had a follow up meeting with a psychiatrist. Psychiatrists deal in pills. Pills are the bane of my life. I hate them. Before I got ill I wouldn't even take a paracetamol for a headache, and now I'm on four in the morning and (was on) five at night. I say was, because I've stopped my lithium. Against medical advice. Doctors don't like it if you do this. But I felt it was the right thing to do. I was on 1000mg, five tablets, and it wasn't particularly doing anything. All it helped with were my suicidal thoughts. I've lived with those for most of my life, so is it really worth it? I felt not. I've suffered with depression since I was 12, and am well used to it by now. I'm on the maximum anti depressant and it does its job, it holds my head above water, i.e. I don't want to die most of ...

Once Upon a Section

I want to write a post about being sectioned. the formalities, how it feels, what it means. Somehow the words won't come. All I can seem to say is that I was sectioned under the Mental Health Act a couple of weeks ago, and have just got out of hospital. Thankfully it was a short stay. I don't feel much of anything at the moment. Maybe I should just delete this and try again when things are better. But I think that I started this blog to chart my psychosis journey and this is it. Sometimes this is what it leaves you with.