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The Magic Pill

So, as I said, I've been in hospital for a few weeks. I still can't seem to write about it. I've pushed it to the back of my mind somewhere.

Yesterday I had a follow up meeting with a psychiatrist.

Psychiatrists deal in pills. Pills are the bane of my life. I hate them. Before I got ill I wouldn't even take a paracetamol for a headache, and now I'm on four in the morning and (was on) five at night. I say was, because I've stopped my lithium. Against medical advice. Doctors don't like it if you do this. But I felt it was the right thing to do. I was on 1000mg, five tablets, and it wasn't particularly doing anything. All it helped with were my suicidal thoughts. I've lived with those for most of my life, so is it really worth it? I felt not.

I've suffered with depression since I was 12, and am well used to it by now. I'm on the maximum anti depressant and it does its job, it holds my head above water, i.e. I don't want to die most of the time. But it never quite gets me to the next level, enjoying life. I never have really. I sent this in a text message to my friend the other day, and I stopped and realised just how sad it is. On the bad days suicidal thoughts, and wanting to die are a given. That's just how it is. It must be hard to understand for some people how someone who is young-(ish!) and perfectly physically healthy could feel like that and believe me I hate myself for it- I know I'm so lucky in many ways- but that's what depression is like. It makes you believe that it'd be better for everyone if you just disappeared from existence.

Anyway, back to pills- the psych is now referring me to a depression specialist. He/She can apparently combine certain types of anti depressants to make them work better. One part of me screams ''Here we go again, why can't they accept there is no magic pill, I can't be fixed!'' while the other half of me nods in agreement and that tiny glimmer of hope fires up in my stomach. What if they can help me? What if? Wouldn't that be amazing! I mean, I don't think I'm ever going to be the sort of person who skips along with sunbeams shining out of them, but just to open my eyes in the morning and not want to instantly close them again would be great.


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