A Blog About Psychosis

So, I've been on lithium for a week now. I haven't noticed any changes in my mood, but that could be because the dose isn't at the recommended therapeutic level yet. Side effects I've noticed are that I'm struggling to wake up in the morning, and I'm having night sweats. (nice) Tonight I have to stay up until 10pm (late for me!) and take my dose then, because tomorrow morning I have another blood test. The test has to be exactly 12 hours since the dose, so they can measure the amount of lithium in my blood. I also have to carry a lithium alert card round with me. I don't know,  it just makes me uneasy. What exactly are all these drugs doing to my body? Making it better, you may say. But I'm not so sure. Every morning I just feel sad and frustrated that I need to take six pills a day just to function normally. But is this my self stigma rearing its head again? Probably. Perhaps if I had a physical illness I'd just take the pills no question, be...

When I first started this blog I must have deleted it about ten times before I hit 'publish'. I was afraid of people knowing my secret. I was afraid I'd be judged, ridiculed, or worse, that I would scare people. Where do these fears come from? Stigma. In general, society has unfavourable opinions around mental health issues. Think about the mainstream media. Words like 'psycho', 'crazy', and 'schizo' are banded around, and are usually used to describe someone who has seriously harmed, or even killed, other people. These sensationalist headlines all add to the stigma people face. When deciding whether or not to disclose a mental health issue, fear is always in the back of your mind. Before starting this blog, hardly any of my friends and family knew I heard voices. They hadn't realised the extent of my psychosis. Some didn't know I suffered with it at all. One of the things that made me decide to write about my experiences was the stigma...

Modern psychiatry can do wonderful things. No longer are patients chained to the wall for people to come and laugh at, or sent to asylums for their entire lives. Just a pill a day can help reduce symptoms. But it isn't the be all and end all, especially when it comes to psychosis. Anti psychotics in particular have some nasty side effects. The worst one has to be weight gain. Anti psychotics affect both appetite and metabolism. At the moment I'm at a weight increase of three stone. Another side effect is double vision. I'm writing this with one eye closed, because the screen is so blurry. Medication is a balancing act, a careful tightrope walk between doctor and patient, increasing and decreasing, swapping and changing until just the right combination of drug is found. And again, there is no one size fits all. It's different for everyone. Next week I'm due to start lithium, a mood stabiliser. I'm worried about it, because I don't know how it's ...

I am a writer. I write that and then pause. Delete the last line. Pause again. I was a writer. Until psychosis. I'm on a combination of drugs, anti depressants and anti psychotics, that help me with my mood, my voices, my delusions. (For those interested in specifics, Venlafaxine 375mg, Aripiprazole 30mg, and due to start lithium next week) My psychiatrist is always talking about 'getting you back to writing,' but the problem is the pills not only take the bad stuff away, they take the good stuff away too. I no longer feel creative. I no longer have any ideas for the short stories I used to write. I lost my newspaper column when I became ill. I had to leave my English degree for the same reason. Psychosis has taken part of my life away. I guess in some ways this blog is my attempt to get it back. I am a writer. After psychosis.