So, as I said, I've been in hospital for a few weeks. I still can't seem to write about it. I've pushed it to the back of my mind somewhere. Yesterday I had a follow up meeting with a psychiatrist. Psychiatrists deal in pills. Pills are the bane of my life. I hate them. Before I got ill I wouldn't even take a paracetamol for a headache, and now I'm on four in the morning and (was on) five at night. I say was, because I've stopped my lithium. Against medical advice. Doctors don't like it if you do this. But I felt it was the right thing to do. I was on 1000mg, five tablets, and it wasn't particularly doing anything. All it helped with were my suicidal thoughts. I've lived with those for most of my life, so is it really worth it? I felt not. I've suffered with depression since I was 12, and am well used to it by now. I'm on the maximum anti depressant and it does its job, it holds my head above water, i.e. I don't want to die most of ...