A Blog About Psychosis

One of the key symptoms of psychosis is paranoia. When I was first ill, I believed all kinds of outlandish things. I thought the government were monitoring me, I thought random strangers were plotting to kill me, I thought everyone (including my friends) hated me. Paranoia is usually intensified by voices. I'd have a paranoid thought and the voices would chime in, agreeing and making it worse.  Example of thought- 'The government are monitoring me.'  Voice- 'Yes they are. There are cameras in your bathroom. Your car is bugged. The neighbours work for them. You'd better stay in here, don't go anywhere.'  It must seem unbelievable to you, reading that. And of course you would laugh and think 'Why would you believe such a ridiculous thing? Where is your evidence? Your logic?'   But another symptom of psychosis is losing touch with reality. There is no logic. You quite literally 'lose your mind.'  Since I have been on ant

Modern psychiatry can do wonderful things. No longer are patients chained to the wall for people to come and laugh at, or sent to asylums for their entire lives. Just a pill a day can help reduce symptoms. But it isn't the be all and end all, especially when it comes to psychosis. Anti psychotics in particular have some nasty side effects. The worst one has to be weight gain. Anti psychotics affect both appetite and metabolism. At the moment I'm at a weight increase of three stone. Another side effect is double vision. I'm writing this with one eye closed, because the screen is so blurry. Medication is a balancing act, a careful tightrope walk between doctor and patient, increasing and decreasing, swapping and changing until just the right combination of drug is found. And again, there is no one size fits all. It's different for everyone. Next week I'm due to start lithium, a mood stabiliser. I'm worried about it, because I don't know how it's

So what's it like to live with voices? Everyone will have a different experience, but for me, challenging. To have a derogatory voice inside your head makes everyday interactions and life in general quite difficult. Sometimes it will shout at me, making me jump. Other times it will whisper in my ear when I'm having a conversation with someone, there in the background like an annoying buzzing fly. Some people experience kind or encouraging voices, but unfortunately mine only seems to have bad things to say. There are many ideas around treatment for living with voices.  In my experience psychiatrists generally want to be rid of the voice, and a variety of medications are given to hopefully reduce the voice completely. Hearing voices groups are more focussed on talking about the experiences, and having mutual support to learn to cope with the voices. People attending may or may not take medication. Psychologists work with the person hearing voices to understand the voice

I am a writer. I write that and then pause. Delete the last line. Pause again. I was a writer. Until psychosis. I'm on a combination of drugs, anti depressants and anti psychotics, that help me with my mood, my voices, my delusions. (For those interested in specifics, Venlafaxine 375mg, Aripiprazole 30mg, and due to start lithium next week) My psychiatrist is always talking about 'getting you back to writing,' but the problem is the pills not only take the bad stuff away, they take the good stuff away too. I no longer feel creative. I no longer have any ideas for the short stories I used to write. I lost my newspaper column when I became ill. I had to leave my English degree for the same reason. Psychosis has taken part of my life away. I guess in some ways this blog is my attempt to get it back. I am a writer. After psychosis.

Psychotic. What does that word bring to mind? Most people would probably say killers, psychopaths, or 'psychos'. In reality, psychotic simply means 'A person who is suffering from psychosis.' In 2016, I was diagnosed as one of those people. I had slowly been losing touch with reality. Paranoia is a key symptom of psychosis. I refused to have a bath as I believed cameras were in my bathroom. I drove different ways home every day as I thought I was being followed by the government. I became convinced that my house was being watched, and that everyone walking by had a suspicious motive. I spent hours pacing up and down in my living room. That's the first time I heard voices. They were quiet at first, barely a whisper, but soon they became louder, as if someone was actually in the room with me. There were three voices, two female and one male. One of the female voices commented on my actions. I would have a thought, such as 'I need a drink,' and the voic